TWIU Episode 14: HERstory X Lexie Dowdy

Renee Royal-Spencer: I had never seen or even heard of people, okay, I did IVF. I have no baby now What's up, warriors? I hope that you are well and doing everything you can do to thrive in your journey, no matter where you are in your journey. In today's episode, we are in for a special treat. Today, we're going to be hearing the testimony of a fellow warrior, Lexi. what? So it was not only finding myself, but figuring out, okay, what does life look like? Because what does it look like? What does it look like without children? Now? Not now. But that, I'm asking like that was, was that the question? That was the question, yes. And I, it took me a really long time to figure out what that was. So I think a part of me needed to grieve. Lexi is so beautiful. She is so kind. She is so filled with love and light and my favorite thing about Lexi is Lexi allows us to see ⁓ Where we could be if we just allowed ourselves to be she is The of what it looks like to be thriving would you describe the relationship you have with your mom? sounds like from what you've said already that you had a great relationship with your mom. Yes, my mother is my ride or die. ⁓ talk at least five times a day. I'm not codependent. Don't worry. I love that. ⁓ codependent. It's healthy. ⁓ mostly just talk on FaceTime about random things. you know, true crime. ⁓ the idea of not having children. Also, while there are people around you who say, oh, well, you don't have children yet. Or, oh, it must be nice that you don't have children. in life after you have walked out, walked through being in the deepest and the dark of the journey to parenthood and especially where that journey doesn't look like you hoped, expected, thought it would look. Okay? So hope that you ⁓ Mm-hmm, and you know if I were to murder somebody she would have my back So things like that, know nothing nothing crazy ⁓ Or, oh, I'll give you my children. And that, to me, that's always been something that's been very hurtful because they don't know what I went feel like I want to go back because you're like, yeah, I don't need the men, but I'm going to have the baby. Yeah. I'm going to have that wedding, but we don't got to do. Yeah. Like I've always like obsessed, fascinated with weddings. I even to this day, like I can appreciate a lavish wedding. it's so gorgeous, but I didn't I never saw anybody be a wife. So it wasn't like everybody in my world, my aunt, my aunt was a strong through to I'm going to be the best aunt that I can possibly be. Whatever that looks like. And now I have two nephews. have Noah and Leo. Noah is my everything. Leo's an infant still. He's only like seven months old. don't know how old he is. He's a baby. But Noah is my everything. There is not a thing that I will not do for that child. Set aside the space, the time. It is a long one, but it's so necessary. And truthfully, it could have been longer. But or ⁓ I've done something, ⁓ it must be nice that you don't have any kids and you can go do this. I tried very, very hard. I went to extremes that other people did not go to. Yeah. Just so that way I could have a chance at having a child. So it was very much a. influence in my life. She wasn't married and she had three kids. My mom wasn't married. She had my sister and I. My grandmother was married. But my my mom and her siblings were raised by their stepfather. So it was one of those things where I can be a mom and I don't have to worry about having a husband. so let's talk about as you got sister went to have the new baby. Noah was at my house because my sister said that I was the one who she knew that she could trust with him and that would keep his routines in place. So to have that recognition, ⁓ even just this past weekend Noah stayed the night and my sister walked in his, he has his own bedroom at my house with Spiderman sheets. And my sister walked in. Thank you, for your light. let's get into it. got a little bit older right ⁓ because are you married today yes I am okay all right so happily married have been married for almost nine years I've been with my husband for 11 years happily married love that man he truly is my best friend when at what point were you like okay I'm open to the idea of marriage when did that come about into his room and she's like, sister, you have all these books for my baby here? And I said, yeah, we read them. I do the things that you do at home with him except for I let him watch TV and like her. other than that, and I'm just at this place with this child that like. seeing that, you know, they're happy in their marriage. They are building a life for themselves. It took me seeing that to be like, okay, this is what it could look like. It's possible to be in a thriving, happy, joy-filled, beautiful marriage without these babies. having children, yes. You can't tell me he's not my child. I mean, obviously he's my nephew, but I care for those boys as if they were my own. I mean, I go to ice skating lessons. I don't go to the outdoor sports because I don't want to sit outside. That's not an, that's not an amlexy thing. Okay. I'll ask him about baseball, but absolutely not. I'm not going to watch. Okay. Or soccer, not doing that either, but like ice skating might know it takes ice skating lessons every week. Um, so it was more when I met the right person. So like I dated barely. dated, but, um, my husband and I, were very young when we got married and when we got together, we got together when we were 21. So, I mean, yeah, you know, as a teenager, you're not really thinking about that. You know, you have little crushes, little datings, whatever. my husband and I, got together when we were 21 and then we Lexi. Welcome. Hello. How are you doing? I'm good. are you? Good. I'm doing good. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having I really appreciate you saying yes. Yes. Thank you. so then I kind of started on that journey, rebuilding my marriage. ⁓ and then we kind of had a hickup when my sister got pregnant. Yeah. It, it gutted me. Yeah. I, I'm very thankful to my sister. She, before she told anybody else, she came to me and told me, ⁓ I appreciate that. I will forever be grateful. ⁓ Well, let's go back. ⁓ Let's go back. What was your childhood like? ⁓ If you could talk it broadly. ⁓ Okay, so growing ⁓ ⁓ my parents divorced when I was very young. ⁓ I go to ice skating lessons and watch him ice skate. He currently knows how to skate backwards at the age of four. Good for him. Love that. wanted him, I want him to have experiences that I may not have necessarily had as a child. So I decided that I wanted him to go to Disney. Not Disney World either, Disneyland. I wanted him to go to Disney. And I knew that because were both living with our parents at the time and we decided we were gonna move in together. And it's funny because my father, my father has had lots of kids out of woodlock, all this stuff. And when my husband and I moved in together, he's like, oh, so you're living in the sin now? And I said, excuse me, what? So primarily raised by a single mother, who I love that woman so much. But raised by a single mother and my grandmother. So my grandmother, she always lived around the corner from us. And then as we got older and as my grandmother got older, she actually moved in with us and lived in the house with us. My mom always says that my grandma was her second parent. ⁓ But even when she told my father, she told my dad, and the first thing out of his mouth is, is Lexi okay? Because my family knew that it would absolutely gut me. we were living in sin. Also, my husband's father is like, so when are you guys getting married? And like, we're like, we just moved in together. It's OK. We only moved in together because we like each other. It's cheaper that way. We can afford it. We don't want to live with our parents forever. ⁓ then ⁓ after we had started living together a couple of months, I came to my husband. was like, so we're going to get married next August. So figure it out. That's what you went to him and. Yes, turns out we got married the following August. So it's fine. ⁓ I have no children. I have a dual income. If I wanted him to go to Disney, that... I appreciate that that is your testimony so much because it doesn't look like that for everybody. where you felt like you had the freedom to involve people. Right. For me, it I when I was in the trenches. ⁓ I wasn't nobody. Nobody was really safe for me. So I was. But you also had to think about your mom, how your mom he could go to Disney. But I didn't want to be responsible for him at Disney. So my husband and I and my mom as well, I ended up making an entire family trip to where my mom came, my aunt came, my cousins came. But my mom and I, obviously my husband and my mom and her husband, we funded that trip so that way my sweet baby nephew could go to Disney. And it was the time of his life. So my grandmother was my ride or die. is, she is, she was an amazing woman. And I, I attribute a lot of who I am today to her. She was very strong, very independent. There is nothing that I couldn't do. And even with my mother, even to this day, there's nothing that I cannot do. My mother is my ride or die. So growing up in that environment, it was, We've been together ever since! Okay. did you and your husband meet? ⁓ So we've known each other middle school, high school. We were we did not date in high school or middle school or anything like that. were friends with the same people. ⁓ huh. Like we had little interactions here and there, but nothing like I knew of him. He knew of me. If you ask him, he says that he would have tried to date me in high school. ⁓ don't believe it. But like, so. to the podcast. She listened, watched, read, it was. So I'm assuming that that helped everybody else to be able to say, let me do the same thing or let me talk to them about this. And they were receptive and they thought about you. I wholeheartedly when He want to ride and if you've never been to Disneyland, there's a ride Say ride They are canoes That you paddle around this water area. You literally have paddles That was that baby's favorite ride in the all of Disney the canoe Not Dumbo not teacups the canoe, but you know what we were right there with them very empowering to have experiences. And then on my dad's side, we had my granny who, the woman traveled all over the world. ⁓ My mom is seeing my dad's mom, she kind of a gypsy, but seeing that travel and that love of life, I think that also had an impact on me. I love that. Yes. Were you two just like in passing in high school? It wasn't okay. Yeah, like we were friends, but like not really. Like we would be at the same place at the same time because we were friends with the same people. But like she played football and wrestled and all this stuff. And I was like this little nerdy kid who? riding on those ⁓ canoes. And he was ⁓ he was almost three at the time. And everybody's like, well, why are you taking them so young? I said, it's fine. He's having the experience. This past Christmas, he and I, were driving around looking at Christmas lights and ⁓ he's like, Aunt Lexi, like, yeah, babes, what's up? And he's like, he calls Disney Mickey's house. He's like, you remember when we went to Mickey's house? I was like, yeah, I remember. And he's like, I really want to go back. What did you ever think about yourself as a mom? ⁓ absolutely. you were like younger. How early, if you can remember, how early did you start just, know, whatever it was. Yeah, I feel like, you know, growing up, always playing with baby dolls, playing house, things like that. was not very outspoken. So like, yeah, we knew of each other. We hung out with the same groups of people. And also he was a grade younger than me because his birthday is in October. So we're the same age, but he graduated after me. So, ⁓ you know, kind of same people, all that I knew of him. One of my friends actually dated him for like a month, our senior year, things like that. ⁓ And then we left high keep my story inside and let someone else deal with that alone. I had like after my journey, had friends who like would post something about they were having issues or something like that every single time I would reach out to them. Hey, I'm here if you need me. I have gone through this. If you need somebody to speak to, I'm here. I've been at craft shows and I heard somebody say something And I said, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. If that is what you want to do and I can make it happen, if it's at my power, absolutely. We're currently planning a sister's trip because my sweet baby nephew has never seen the ocean and has never been to the beach. And I'm a firm believer that a lake is not a beach. No, it is not. The ocean is the only beach. ⁓ So I want him to have the experience. I think I always had the idea that one day I would be a mom and I never thought that I wouldn't be. I always knew that that was something. I was somebody, I didn't want to get married, but I wanted a kid. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't need to be married. I wanted a wedding, but I didn't want like, school and I, you know, went off to college and all of that and ⁓ one day I was on Facebook and he slid into my DMs before it was a thing. I think he like poked me on Facebook or something like that because back in the day you could do that. I remember that. Yeah, you could poke people on Facebook. So I remember that he poked me on Facebook and it was like a back and forth thing for a while. And then we just we started talking and Just like miniscule that if you're not in the infertility community You have no idea what they're talking about and i've been at craft shows and I heard somebody say something and I said, excuse me Are you struggling with infertility? Let me tell you my story and let me tell you how like if you need something Total stranger. Do you want my information? Do you want to call me at three o'clock in the morning crying? Here you go ever since then like I I am not shy to talk about my story I wanted to have a wedding. I didn't want to be married. Okay. In my opinion, I didn't, I don't want that. That was not part of my life. I going to the beach. So I spoke to my sister and I was like... Okay, but like the whole kid like I didn't want to be a wife, but also growing up. I didn't really see people being wives mmm, I mean and in my in my World that you could have a kid and not be married I was primarily raised by a single mom If I book it, will you go? And she said, absolutely. So my baby's going to the beach. I love that. So you you made a decision that you were going to thrive and then you made a decision to pour in the children that the Lord has allowed to be in your life or allowed you to be a part of their life. Yes. Right. Which in the closest are usually those nieces and nephews. Yes. What do you and your husband do as like a pivotal I was like, oh, know, it's kind of cool. At the poke, did you see marriage? Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I mean, I have my story right here on my arm. ⁓ In 2020, after my last cycle, ⁓ I was like, you know what? I'm doing something. So my friend drew my tattoo It has the infertility symbol. ⁓ yeah, so never marriage ⁓ not on the table. were just, you know, talking, hanging out. ⁓ first date, honestly did not even know that it was a date. I thought that we were just hanging out, going to go have some fun. ⁓ ⁓ like, ⁓ had no idea that it was a date. And then, like, he kissed me and I was like, ⁓ okay, I guess we're on a date. ⁓ The biggest thing we did is therapy. And actually in that therapy world, we actually found out my husband was diagnosed bipolar. And it was like something that clicked. I was like, this makes so much sense now. I was like, I'm not crazy. So getting on medication for my husband, that has been a huge, huge thing. It has the infertility symbol. And then I had Warrior put on it because after everything was said and done, we did 10 cycles. And I decided that I And then he tried to break up with me a month later. Okay, he tried to break up with me a month later because he wanted to go on a date with this like girl from church or something. I don't even know. And I was like, okay, so then I like met up with him. He tried to break up with me over a text message. And I was like, I met up with him in person that night. And I was like, yeah, no, we're not doing that. was like, we're not doing that. not breaking up. So guess you're stuck with me. So yeah, been together ever Been together ever since. was a Warrior because of it. Well, ⁓ and ⁓ when ⁓ you told me when we met, that really just blew my mind when the Lord dropped this podcast and ⁓ everything else that this is meant to be The Warrior In Us is meant to be. The name was the warrior in us and it never changed. was never another option. That was the name. And then I was having a moment when we met and it was like, is this me or is this you, Lord? Because if this is me, I quit. get it. don't want to do this. And then you and then you show me your tattoo and in that warrior under I'm like, right, OK, I'm going sit down and just be here. I bought a car and started dating my husband on the same day. So, you know, I don't have the car any longer, but I have the husband. Yes. Yes. I love that. ⁓ I'm cracking up. But you. OK. OK. So. what our lives could look like without children. mean, even now to this day, do we get people saying, ⁓ it must be nice that you can go do this. And my response now is, yeah, I don't have kids. Do I need to tell them why I don't have kids or everything that I went through to get those or try to get those kids? No, because in my opinion, Then you get married. Got married, yes. What was there ever a conversation about children before you got married or did that come after? So my husband and I, when we were dating after he tried to break up with me, of course, when we were dating, we were very intentional from the beginning. We would always do like. you got me. Yes. I love that. I love that. So I feel like we're getting into how you, to me it sounds like you made a decision that you were going to thrive in your life. I did. I did. So it started with my sister getting pregnant and I feel like I had a decision to make then that I could either It's not, they are baiting me almost. You feel like that? Sometimes I do, but they're baiting me and it's not worth being like, hey. we had like, we would go to the bookstore and get like one of those books, like so many questions to ask your significant other or whatever. And we would literally like, as we were dating, we would sit, we were still living with our parents. We would sit in the driveway in our car and like just go through these questions and ask each other like these off the wall questions that like, why are two 21 year olds who are dating are asking each other these questions. But it was always very intentional. So we, when we were dating, we did speak about, you know, be upset about it that why is my sister able to get pregnant and I can't I tried to have kids. And are these people that are close to you or just random strangers? in the places you work? Sometimes it depends. it's been like coworkers or it's been like, you know, like people at church, things like that. And sometimes I think it comes out of a place of jealousy, to be honest with you. And. one day because I backing up, I very much feel that if you are going to be married, you need to have the same values and same goals as your partner. And ⁓ I think that's one of the reasons why we're so intentional. ⁓ But we spoke about, you know, one day we do want to have children. How many that was never discussed, but children were in the cards for us, whatever that looked like. Yes. So we talked about it before. I'm not completely healed, but I am more healed and more whole than I have ever been. Love it. And I it's not worth my time. Yeah. My piece is far more important. I love it. So it's just like a OK. Yeah, I don't have kids. I'm going to go live my best life. If I want to take off a random Tuesday and go to the Grand Canyon, then that's what I'm going to do. Yes, I love that. And then after we got married too, we talked about it too. I think at the time I was on birth control and ⁓ after we had gotten married, we're like, okay, know, like, what does that look like for us? When does it look like us moving forward and trying to start a family? So we definitely had those conversations. And then we decided, let's see. And so the next relationship, how did your relationship with the Lord transform after your decision that you were gonna thrive despite? My relationship with the Lord grew deeper. How did you do that? feel it wasn't me. It was not me at all. got married in 2017. So in 2018, sometime we decided, okay, we're going to do this. So I got my birth control out. had the one that goes in your arm. I had that. And everybody's like, oh, as soon as you get that out, you're gonna get pregnant right away. I know all these people who they got it out the next month they were pregnant. And this, that, and the other. was like, cool. So you know lot of people and that was their experience that they took theirs out on them. That is nothing but the Lord. It was not me. I believe that I was put into places that it was very much a, at the end of everything, ⁓ I was like, okay Lord, if this is not what you have for me. boom-bam they were pregnant. The question that came to my mind was what were your thoughts like what were your when you decided okay I'm taking this out or or even before when you made the decision okay we're gonna try. I mean like yeah, there's aunts that you know have been single this whole time and you know, they don't have children, but I had never seen anybody in my immediate family and like Struggle, you know, I don't even want to do it. It's real. No air quotes, but you didn't like there was a challenge for a ready if they wanted it or whatever if you wanted to have a kid you were having a kid so So my expectation was, okay, I'm gonna get this out. I'm going to get pregnant. We're gonna have some kids. We'll go from there. I did know that my mom, had miscarriages previously, but that's kind of all I knew. I didn't know really anything else at that point. Now looking back on it, I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, I know all these things. But then I just thought, okay, I'm not on birth control. And I mean, when you're younger, they tell you, ⁓ my gosh, you can get pregnant at any time. And you got to be careful. Don't get pregnant. Yes. Don't get pregnant. The were told don't get pregnant. the guys are told, wrap it up. Yes, exactly. And like in my mind, okay, yeah, you have unprotected sex, you're gonna get pregnant. That's it. Unprotected sex, pregnant. That's it. ⁓ so I That is a verse that I, ever since it was brought to me, I live my life by that because just thinking about that, like, okay, if these things would have happened the way that my plan was, I would have never been able to do these other plans and what the Lord has for me. I would have never been able to. never thought that it would be any type of a struggle, any type of a waiting, anything like that. And I had this expectation of what my life was going to look like. I was going to get married, well, I guess after I found my husband, I was getting married. But we were gonna have kids. And then I didn't know what was next, but we were having kids. Yeah, and then... ⁓ share my story with other people and give them just a little bit of hope. And maybe their darkest time, their lowest valley. So it's one of those things where like, wasn't, it wasn't me that grew my faith. It was the Lord constantly showing me thing after thing and putting me in that position to where I almost feel that my infertility forced me to grow. when I guess we started trying things like that. You took your birth control out and then you just immediately started to... Yes. Did you have any knowledge about what you needed to do to like... to be the person that he needed me to be. Thank you. That's that's where I'm at. Thank you. Yes. You've answered like a number of questions that I I wanted you to answer. that's great. I just want to say thank you. feel like we can sit here all day. Yes. I really feel like we could sit here all day and talk about the trenches. know, and I hope and pray that you will come back. I you will come back. get pregnant or increase the chances. No. OK. No. OK. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. You just were like, OK, we're just sex. Yeah. We're going to just have sex. We're going to get pregnant. So then a couple of months go by and nothing's happening. How old were you at this time? Let's see. was this was 2018. So I was probably. I look forward to episodes where we are on here with our husbands and they get to give their insight or not even insight, just their lenses in the trenches, know, and so many other things. But I just want to say thank you. I want to say thank you for your vulnerability and your transparency and thank you for being willing to come and sit and share. going on 25. So not that old. Especially, you know, to know what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, 24, 25. And where things are just moving very slow. So I had my annual visit with my gynecologist coming up. So was like, well, I'll just talk to them about it. So I, you know, like talk to them and they're like, oh, yeah, you know, you know, they tell me about ovulation. you I have like some wrap up questions. ⁓ yes. But I want you to do you feel like there was something that you wanted to say? Needed to say should say, you know what? I will say that for me, something that helped me move to heal and move past. And I think in this day and age, not everybody thinks about this, but something that really helped me to heal myself is I got rid of I mean like obviously I knew what ovulation was but they told me about like you know the ovulation testing and things like that and they told me that we needed to try for at least a year before I could get a referral to anything else. else? Yes. What were your thoughts about? Did you think anything about that when they told you that at 24? 25? No I was just like okay you know like we'll go to the drugstore buy some ovulation tests and all of social media. Social media was one of those things that I needed to remove myself from. And even to this day, I mean, it's we're in 2026, so it's been six years since I've done a cycle. I have Instagram, but my Instagram is full of... Go from there. ⁓ Infertility was never a thought in my mind. Did you even know that that was a thing before, like around this time? So I knew of infertility. had, my mom loved TLC. So I had grown up and you know, I had seen things on, you know, TLC people who struggled with infertility, but it was never like a main storyline, if that makes sense. Like it was all spiritual things, dogs, Disney, and mostly dogs. and like I have a couple of friends on there, but like for the most part, like it's what you're filling your mind with. What you're filling and I could not handle constant birth announcements, people showing their family at that time. And I mean, like now I can handle that. But at that point in time and I mean, I still I'm not like, ⁓ yeah, you know, we're trying to have a baby. ⁓ yeah, we're doing IVF. But I never fully knew what that world looked like. And I never knew how many women it impacted until, you know, later on. infertility was never, never something that I thought would be part of my journey or my story. And would you say because that's what you saw? That's what you saw in your family and maybe even broader society? I will not be on social media at all for Mother's Day and probably a day or two after because even though I am not in that space, Mother's Day will always be hard for me because at the end of the day, I'm not a mother, nor will I probably ever be a mother. And I'm sure there's people, well, if God wants you to have a child, will let you have a child. Yes, God will. But at this point in my life, I don't know, I don't want to speak for you. Yeah, no, I would agree. Yeah, yeah. feel that at that time, and I mean, things have gotten much better now, but at that time, infertility is not something women spoke about openly. It is not something that was spoken about at all. So we we did our year and all of that. Nothing happened. So we get our referral to the infertility specialist. We meet with them. I don't believe that's the plan he has for me. So it's just one of those things that there's so many women who like, yes, I have a mother. And I've actually told my mom about this. Like, I hate Mother's Day. And she's like, why you have a mother? And I said, yes, but I am not a mother nor will I ever be a mother. And that is very hard for me. It is a hard day for me. just, know, like if you're if you're in the trenches, if you're in a And they're like, oh, you're young. We're going to do Clomid. So we did Clomid in timed cycles. That's what we started with. And then when we started that, everybody's like, people that, so when we started that, I started to hear stories about people who I knew that also had issues having children, which was very eye-opening. Because until then, I knew nobody. moment of healing like don't be afraid to step away from social media don't worry it will be there when you get back and if you never want to get back it's okay your life you'll still that will probably be best for you anyway yeah right if you're not on there yes ⁓ i would say i definitely did the same thing i had to i had to get off social media ⁓ at a certain point in time and even today i i'm really careful about how i am on there and then also I don't know about you, but it's like I did things to kind of block certain things. But no matter what, the feed is always babies and pregnant women. And I'm just like, you've got to be kidding me. I would agree. I'm better today as well. It's not as triggering as it used to be, but it's just like social media is like, it can be horrific. I agree 100%. It could be horrific. So if we My aunt took Clomid and she had kids right away. What was the Clomid supposed to do? So it makes you... ⁓ Clomid is a drug that you take and it makes you... it makes your eggs grow. Okay. And then you take a shot that it's called a trigger shot and it makes you ovulate. Okay. So some people can get pregnant on just Clomid alone in timed cycles. Okay. So it makes their egg follicles grow. take the trigger shot. If you can think back to the trenches, what was the worst advice somebody gave you when you were in the trenches? ⁓ have regular sex and they get pregnant. Some people if that doesn't work they then move you to IUIs or inter-uterine insemination. Yes. Thank you. You're welcome. And all catch words. Yes. I was I was very close off to advice because I even when people would try to tell me things, I was like, again, I was mean So ⁓ we went, we did the clomid for a while and then our doctors like, you know, we're going to do IUIs. How long would you say you were just doing clomid for? Clomid, think we tried it for two months. Okay. Not crazy amount of time, just two months. But with the IUIs, we still did clomid. We did the trigger shot and then we did the IUI. So it's, it's a very interesting process. ⁓ and I would be like, ⁓ you've never been in my shoes. ⁓ You ⁓ don't know what I'm with. ⁓ So I don't remember, even open ⁓ to it. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. OK. Again, like there was ⁓ else. ⁓ had my same shared life experience. So I don't even remember being open to it. Yeah. That's real. ⁓ Because I know for me, the stupid. yeah, one of the just the most ridiculous thing that you that I heard is when you relax is going to happen. ⁓ yeah. When you start worrying about it, it's going to happen. Yeah. You stop trying. It's going to happen. You're too stressed out. People definitely told me that somebody also told me Yeah, I would say 21 to 32 days. Yeah. Depends on the woman. Depends on the person. Yeah. Everybody's different. OK. I'm like 28 or something. Yeah, I'm like 28 to 29. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like around that one. But around what time in your so. So the start of it, the start of the cycle is when you start to menstruate. I'm sorry. TMI. No, it's fine. Yeah. This is so and it's very interesting because once that you just need to go on a trip to Hawaii. It's healing there. And then they're like, my wife and I went to Hawaii and we got pregnant. I've been to Hawaii. I didn't get pregnant. It was a great time, though, but did not get pregnant. you start assisted reproductive technologies, you wouldn't think about it. But there's a lot of times you're put on birth control. And it's kind of crazy because you're like, ⁓ well, why am I on birth control? I'm trying to get pregnant. Like, it's wild to think about. But there's so many times where, like, whenever you start a cycle, you start on birth control. So like, they'll put you on birth control for a cycle, and then they'll take you off. You have your So as we just wrap this one up, wanna ask you if for the listener or listeners who are, they're in the trenches, it's dark, it's heavy, it's all of the things. What advice do you have for them? What would you say to them? I think my biggest advice would be. period. ⁓ whenever you're in the weeds, so for an IUI on day three, or sorry, is it on day three? You have to call them the day you start your period. Okay. And then on day three, you have to go in for a scan. Day one is to start off your cycle. Correct. ⁓ you call them on day three. My mind is like, when did you do the trigger shot? ⁓ At the end of the day, you need to do what's right for you. I think that's something that... I feel that in the trenches, you are so focused on the goal that you forget about everything else. And I mean, myself included, I was so focused on the goal. did things that I didn't think that I would do. And at the end of the day, I think you need to remember that you are a person first and that you, you need to be okay. Well, that's that's coming up. OK. Yes. But they threw you call them. What do you call them? Well, no, you call them on day one. Day three. You call them on day one to schedule your appointment for day three. OK. Day three, you go in and you have to have a internal ultrasound. OK. As a baseline. Yeah. And it's always it's never fun because you're on your period. Yeah, you're on your period. Like, why? Why did you want to do this? So they get a baseline ultrasound and then they looking for. It's very hard. ⁓ Also, find a community, even if it's just an online community of other people who you can talk to, because it is so, so, so lonely. Even just one person who has had some type of shared experience. ⁓ And don't keep it inside. I feel like I learned that the hard way. I kept everything inside and that didn't work. So don't keep it inside, but also. Make sure that you're not neglecting your marriage. You... Big one. You wanted to be in this relationship and you want to have children. But even once you bring those children into the world, you don't want to bring them into a broken marriage. Ding ding ding. Yes. And then, you know, you got to go further. Some of those kids are leaving your house and it's going to be you and your spouse. Yes, exactly. And you want to be happy with them. Yes. I loved. Yes. Yes. You want to you want to make sure that like check in with your spouse. I personally did not do enough checking in with my husband. Check in with them. Make sure that they mental health wise are OK because It's been a while since I've taken one. But at day 10 or 15, you have to do your trigger shot. And what does the trigger shot do? So I guess before you take your trigger shot, you have to go back in and you have to get another ultrasound to make sure that your follicles are growing, that there's something in there. And then they'll tell you what day to take a trigger shot. The trigger shot basically tells your body to release the eggs. OK. So you take your Yes, again, I say my body was the one who went through it, but mentally my husband went through it. went through it. And they have their own trauma. Make sure you're checking in and make sure that like, yes, you are trying to have this child, but also make sure your marriage is priority. And it's hard. It's very, very hard. 100%. But I think it's something that You take your trigger shot and it releases your eggs. the office coordinates when you take that shot because you have to coordinate with your husband. You have to coordinate with the office because the day you so many days within that you have to your husband goes in. You got to get there early. Husband goes in and he gets escorted to a little room and he has to provide If you want to bring a child into the relationship, it is worth still nurturing the relationship. Yes. And too, if you end up, you know, at the other side and you are child free, you still want to be able to have that relationship and a partner at the end of the day. Thank you, Lexi. You're welcome. Thank you so much. I do just believe that. I've been blessed sitting here listening to you. So somebody else needs to hear your story. It's always been my mission that infertility is given to me for a reason and. of the bad ones. So then what they do is they come into the office, you're prepped and ready. You're there, you got your legs up, you're ready. And they tell you, ⁓ your husband's count today was this. What am I gonna do with that information? I don't care what his sperm count is. But okay, so they tell you his count was this. I'm like, They tell you the motility of it. Cool. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information or whatever. I like it's a glory. Not to me, obviously, but to the Lord. the Lord. To the Lord. Yes. Well, I hope you all have enjoyed what Luxie has poured into us today through the grace of the Lord, of course. But thank you so much for listening. And I hope that you, as always, are well and are continuing the journey to thrive wherever you are. Until next time, be well. they take it like a little catheter, they put it inside of you and they put your husband's specimen inside of you and they're like, okay, you're to lay there for 10 minutes or something like that. And then does this happen on the day that your eggs release? Yes. Okay. Yes. So it's, it's always timed with the trigger. I don't remember the exact time frame, but they're timed. Okay. Okay. They're all timed. So you go in and then you lay there and then like, okay. You're free to go about your day in so many days. I think it's like two weeks. You can take a pregnancy test or I think you have to go in to take a blood pregnancy test to see if it worked. Right now we're still talking about IUI. We're still talking about IUI Let's continue. Yeah, so you go ahead and take a little test and then they'll call you that day to tell if you're pregnant. ⁓ we did. And then if you're not, you go on birth control. And then you start the whole cycle over. ⁓ We ended up doing three. ⁓ Tell me because it's important when you start it, you're starting with Chloe made and then you're you're moving because you just have to go through the process. But yes, they make you do. Yes. Well, not everybody do they make do that. I think some people they some people they do go straight to IVF. And there are different factors. ⁓ Age is one of them. ⁓ if you're having issues with your tubes, like, so before we even got to the IUIs and all of that, we had to, I had to do testing. My husband and I both had to do genetic testing to see if there was any genetic incompatibilities that we weren't, ⁓ getting pregnant or if we were to have a kid, would there be something genetically wrong with it? I had to go through crazy amounts of testing where I had to have my thyroid checked. I had to have so many blood tests done to make sure that all of my levels were good. I had to have ⁓ tests where they put dye inside of me to make sure that my fallopian tubes were open. There's just so much testing. So I think that certain people, if they find something during these tests, these initial tests, they're like, okay, nope, that's not gonna work. We're moving you straight to IVF. ⁓ For me though, I was young. And they're like, you're fine. Everything should be working. Yeah, that's less. So I'm just thinking about the increase in costs as you increase in the process. What was like the difference between just doing Clomid and then moving to IUI? If you can remember. Clomid was just a prescription and a lot of insurance companies covered it. covered it. Yeah. I remember my IUI's, I want to say they were about a thousand dollars each. And you have to pay extra for the sperm wash. I don't know why I feel that it should be included, but we had to pay extra for that. I think it was like $300 or something like that. So definitely, and a lot of my initial testing, a lot of insurance companies will cover infertility testing. They will not cover infertility treatments, but they will cover the testing, which doesn't make any sense to me, but here we are. So I think IUIs, I want to say they were about $1,000 each. husband I just realized I don't think we ever said what your husband's name ⁓ my husband's name is Kyle okay you Kyle you do three three I UI cycles okay and is this like three months in a row or are you ⁓ they were like they were slightly spaced out okay but not they were they were all within the same six month time okay okay yes yes ⁓ then I guess I want to go like backstory. So like we're doing these I UIs. ⁓ but I am then, you know, looking more into the infertility and this, that, and the other. I'm learning more about it. also I remember saying something, ⁓ everybody's like, ⁓ you know, you'll be fine. This, that, and the other. remember saying something to my mom one day. So my mom never knew anything about infertility. And as you guys know, my mom is my ride or die. And I remember saying something to her one day about ⁓ yeah, I have infertility. My mom's like, no, you don't have infertility. I said, no, I do. And it took a conversation with her and I had to not only I'm learning resources for myself, but I needed to then find resources for my mom to understand what infertility looked like. I mean. what was your mom receptive and open? ⁓ Yes. My mom, there was one time my husband couldn't come to like an appointment with me and my mother came with me because she's like, but it took her under like taking a step back. And I'm so grateful that I have the mother that I do because I don't believe that everybody else has the support. it took her taking a step back and us having a conversation and me like telling her more about what infertility is. And then her like me giving her the reason sources, listen to like these things. Like there were a couple podcasts that I told her, Hey, listen to these podcasts, look into this, read about this. she did. Yes, she very much did. She was like, okay, I understand now. But it, it was very much a learning curve for all of us. Yes. And but during this time too, with the IUI's, I was very much a person that said, okay, if this doesn't work, I'm not doing IVF. That's not something that I want to do in my life. I'm not doing it. Why was there a line? I felt that there, from what I knew about IVF, is that one, it was very expensive. Two, it is not covered by insurance. Most insurances, it's not covered by insurance. And three, at that time, I didn't want to put my body through it. A lot of people that I had seen who had done IVF later had breast cancer and that's not something that I wanted to deal with. I didn't want to pump myself full of all these drugs and not knowing what the end result would be. Just like later down the road, I had seen a couple people on TV, TLC. So my mom used to Juliana and Bill and Juliana, did IVF and then like later on in some seasons later, she had breast cancer. My mom also loved little people, the little couple, sorry, the little couple. And Dr. Jen, she did IVF later down the road. She had breast cancer. And that's just one of those things that I'm like, okay, IVF breast cancer. I don't want to deal with that. So and even now as an adult, as I've met more people who have done ⁓ done IVF things like that. My boss actually, so both of her kids are IVF babies. My boss, she had both of her kids and then she actually was diagnosed with breast cancer. So it's one of those things that I was like, nope, not doing IVF, I don't wanna do that. So do all the IUIs. And then... They didn't work. What were you feeling when IUIs were not working? Yeah. I think my biggest thing was, what is wrong? Why isn't this working? Everybody says that this is going to work. So why isn't it? I then did a lot of research outside of it. I was very heavy into finding other people who have experienced infertility. Because again, in my world, was nobody, ⁓ nobody to speak to about it, nobody who had this same experience. ⁓ So going through that, I was just desperate to find other women who had experienced it. And then as I went through it, I would see people saying, you know, the women who get pregnant on IUIs are unicorns, because it doesn't work for most people and things like that. So and like if you get pregnant on an IUI, I am so happy for you. Like you're blessed. But for a lot of I don't work. So it was just it was a very stressful time for me just trying to find other people who had a same or shared experience. How did you go about looking for these people? Were there resources in the? Infertility clinics. What did you do? So an infertility clinic, at least in my opinion, is one of the loneliest places in the entirety of the world. it's you would think that it would be somewhere where these women are speaking to each other, things like that. But in reality, they're not. And this is like the one place where we all have the same shared experience. We're all here for the same reason. And like I would go in where I should have because those are the people who dealing with the same things. ⁓ issue that comes up as you may know is shame. so I'm like, people won't even, you know, the women in there, they won't even look at one another. It's like, wonder, is there also some shame on top of that? It's like, yes. Why doesn't my body work the way it's supposed to? Yes. This isn't even a time where we can come and support one another as we're here for the same. We're just. I think at that point, I mean, me, I felt broken. Like I felt broken. think that's the only way to describe it. And not only like mentally, but physically, why doesn't my body work? So my resources were not the fertility clinic. My resources were looking more on the internet, social media. I found a couple good podcasts. One very to this where the person she had her children through IVF, she had gone through the process, but she would bring on people who have shared experiences and they would tell their stories and just listening to that and knowing, okay, I'm not alone. And I mean, and this was 2018 before, and I mean, is infertility awareness as big as it should be? No. But it's way bigger now than it was in 2018. Yeah, so it was 2018. So just like listening to other people's stories and understanding that like, did I have friends who I could actually speak to? Absolutely not. But you didn't have that one friend. Not well, I mean, I had friends who I could talk to, but not friends with shared experiences. And I think that's the key. Like I have a best friend. She and I have been friends since. since sixth grade, I could call her right now and say, hey, I need you right now. And she would be there. She would drop everything. She has two kids. She would drop everything to be right there. Vice versa. If she called me right now, I'd be there. No questions asked. And she was very much like we would talk a lot during it, but she did not have that shared experience. I did not have anyone who had that shared experience. And I think ⁓ now looking back on it, that's why I've always been very open about my infertility struggles because I may be that person's only shared experience and I know how lonely it is. So a lot of my stuff was just listening to other people's doing research on my own, finding out anything that I can to make me at least feel like I wasn't alone. Yes. I'll tell you something for ⁓ everybody. This this I believe this this podcast, this I believe the Lord gave this to me when I was the loneliest ever, you know, because it's like no way should anybody be walking this kind of journey out by themselves. And it's not that you were by yourself because your husband was there. Yes. But it's it's it's different. Your husband can't. go to the levels that somebody, a woman who sat in your seat could, right? It's just they can't be everything. well, and I, my husband and I, have this talk, or we've had this conversation over the years too, where... ⁓ like I'll say something and he will say, well, I've experienced infertility too. And I have always said, I'm not invalidating that you've experienced infertility, but it's not the same because it's not your body that has had to go through what my body has gone through. So yes, he has had to experience the highs and lows. He's had to, mean, this man would wake up at five o'clock in the morning to give me shots, but his body was not the issue. His body did not have to be put through what my body was put through. And I think that's very different. Not to invalidate him, but very, very different. It is different. So how did he support you? How did your husband support you? so I'm an auditory learner. remember everything that I hear. Probably not to his delight, but there are things in my brain that I can pull out from 11 years ago. And he's like, how do you remember that? Listen, it's just here. It's just filed away. So I remember one time very early on in Simon, which is going crazy. I remember one time very early on in our journey where he and I, were talking in our apartment. We were talking, having a conversation or I guess we were somewhere. We were having a conversation and I said something about, okay, what happens if we don't have kids? What does this look like? And I remember verbatim, my husband said, so we have a dog named Rocky. He's perfect and we love him. ⁓ but I remember verbatim, my husband said having Rocky will not be enough for that I need to have kids. I remember this. Was it a moment of like maybe he shouldn't have said that? Probably. Looking back on it, he's like, well, know, like fine. But I remember that and that is still with me to this day that I remember him telling me that having our dogs would not be enough. ⁓ Other than that, though, my husband is my greatest cheerleader. ⁓ What if you can think back to that time? would he doing? Like, what could he? You understand what I'm asking? no, I get it completely. Yeah. So that I don't know. We would. No, we would like we would speak about things. I listen. I feel so bad for him, for me during that time, because you're on so many hormones. was insane. I was emotional. I was crazy. I had all. kinds of mood swings. Honestly, it's a miracle we're still married. But I mean, just being there to support me, going to the doctor's appointments, being there when every single time we took a test and it was negative, just me crying, just being there to, mean, it really helped that he was my best friend because he truly did walk with me through it. Even like when we eventually got to IVF, giving me I couldn't give myself a shot. I could not, absolutely not. And when you do that, we'll talk about it a little later, but when you do that, you have to have shots at the same time every single day. there was one point in time where I could take my shots in the evening, and then there was some testing, and they're like, no, you have to do it in the morning. This man would get up at 4.45 every single morning to go get my array of shots together. He would come in, while I was sleeping, he would be like, okay, babe, I'm gonna give you your shots. I would literally be sleeping and he would just give me my shots while I'm sleeping. If that's not love, I don't know what is. But just supporting and like the shots are painful. They are not fun, especially when you're giving them constantly every day, like it is not fun. So there were times where like I would have bruises from all the shots and just like being there with somebody to lean on. was very helpful. Again, our experiences were not the same, but it was very helpful to have him there and feel like I did have a partner. ⁓ So two things, because I wanna get to, I wanna get to when you made the decision to do IVF because you were so against it and I'm not doing that. That was your red line or your line in the sand. on this thing about loneliness, did you ever feel like you got to a place where the loneliness decreased or? went to like it or even just no wasn't there. No, you never got there. I was all as long as I was I call it being in the trenches as long as I was in the trenches. I I never was not at that place. I love that you said that. Yes. It's like it really you're in the trenches. You are. You are in the trenches. Yes. Yes. And as long as I was in the trenches, I was always in that. mindset and that headspace. It wasn't until I decided that I had enough that it was just like a freeing. And I was just like, okay. I mean, it wasn't fully freeing, but, we'll get to all that, but it wasn't until I walked away and pulled myself out of that. And then I was like, But then I think then it was... I don't have any kids. I don't have friends that don't have kids. So what does that look like? I think it kind of shifted. At this point right now, I'm not lonely. We're getting there. We're getting to the day. We're talking about the trenches right now. Yeah, no, those trenches. It definitely feels like that. When you're trying to. You have to. mean, I like to laugh. ⁓ It's like we're laughing, but there was. I wasn't laughing in those. I was not laughing in those trenches. It was a lot of it was a lot of tearful nights. A lot of journaling. A lot of very angry prayers to the Lord. Thank you. I'm so glad you were there. angry prayers. When when you. OK. So in this time when you're in the trenches, you were a believer. had already given your love to the Lord, all that stuff. And so where was the Lord in all of, well, focusing on IUI and them saying, OK, you're going to get this diagnosis. That's horrific, by the way. And like, what was going on? Let's talk about that. mean, ⁓ I always was always a believer. Was I angry at the Lord? Absolutely. Absolutely. Why? Did you feel like you could be angry at the Lord? I mean, did I think that it was right? Probably not. But that's where I was. were. That's where I was. And I felt that. The Lord would rather me give him an angry prayer and be angry with him than not believe in him at all. Period. Yes. He would rather me be angry than me just be like, you know what? I don't believe in you. I'm done. So so what like what is your time with the Lord? Your worship, your praise. What was that like? I don't know that there was a lot of praise. It was more I had like a prayer journal. OK. And it was more just... It was a lot of prayer. It was prayer. It was not happy prayer. was mostly like, why am I here? Why am I in this position? Why is this not working? If you can just give me this thing, this is my heart's desire. If you can give me this, then we can do whatever. Bargaining with the Lord. You know, it was... It was very, it was very, a very angry time for me. Yes. There was no praise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No Thanksgiving. yeah. That's, that's hard. It is. ⁓ That's really hard. And for me, just a little bit, I didn't feel like I could be angry with the Lord, but I was. I was like, you know. I was. And it took me some time to really get to a place where I was like, this is what you're getting right now. You know, and you can handle it. I now know you can handle it. And I should, you know, you would prefer for me to be here like this than for me to be here with a bow, faking it. know? But I love that. I mean, you were praying. You were doing what you could do. So when did the decision come for you all to make that leap to go IVF? So we, after the IUIs did not work, they did more testing. And we found out that I have, have PCOS. So for anybody who doesn't know, polycystic ovarian. I have low ovarian ⁓ reserve. So I have much fewer eggs than a normal woman does. That's what that means to have a low ovarian reserve is that you have fewer eggs than somebody that's like your age. Okay. So, ⁓ People who do IVF, they explained it and they're like, basically you get a baby. What was not explained to me is that IVF is no guarantee. Thank you. That's what my mind, my brain was like, so did they guarantee it? But it was not explained to me that IVF was no guarantee. And these podcasts I had been listening to, these resources, ⁓ everybody, they just do IVF, they get pregnant, they get a baby. So was it your thoughts? Was it then your expectation that I'm going to do IVF and I'm getting this baby? My dream is coming true. No doubts about it. Then they tell you how much IVF costs. IVF is about $20,000. Well, at least in 2018, 2019, was about $20,000. And my husband and I were young. We don't have $20,000. Where are we going to get $20,000 from? So I was at this weird spot in my life, which by the grace of God, listen, I was at this weird spot in my life where I was 25. going on 26. I had my own health insurance through work. But I was also even though I was married, I was still on my mother's health insurance. Because her health insurance even though I was married, as long as I was under the age of 26, I could be on it. And it cost her the same price to have my sister and I on it, as it would be if it was just my sister. So my mom's like, Sure, I'll keep you on that, I don't care. It's the same price, I have have your sister anyways. So I was in this weird space where I had double insurance coverage. When they ran my insurance... I had an IVF benefit where it would cover the procedure, but it wouldn't cover the medication. So I was like, okay, $20,000 is taken care of. So that kind of been like, okay, I can get a baby. I have a benefit and most women do not have benefits at all. No, I by the grace of God, I had a benefit. I do not know how by the grace of God, I had that benefit. the twenty thousand dollars was covered. I told my husband, I was like, I want to try this. I was like, I don't want to look back on life and say I did not try everything. And I I don't know exactly when that mind shifts, that mind shift. shifted. ⁓ But at that point, being in the trenches, I did not want to look back and say, ⁓ I didn't I never did that. Because I am very much I'm an overachiever. I wanted to say I did everything that was possible. So ⁓ we then we took it to my family and we're like, we have, we can do this. But we don't have the money. I think it was like $5,872 worth of IVF medicine. You place the order for your medications yourself? So there is a fertility clinic. will put the orders in and there's a special fertility pharmacy that contacts you. And they place the order with you and you then you have to pay for it. And they then send you this giant box that's cold because some of the medicines have to be cold and you have to get it and you just have this whole pharmacy in your house. Now the medications, was it enough for just the cycle that you were like one cycle or? It was enough for, so you get certain medications that certain ones you have enough for very strong commitment. It's a commitment because you have to time them things like that. Certain ones have to be taken this time, but then you also have to take it at this time. And they're all in your stomach or in your butt. Yeah, there's a lot. ⁓ it's ⁓ not enjoyable. ⁓ but it's constant. ⁓ then like during that you're being pumped full of so many things ⁓ that you're hormonal. ⁓ You to eat things are weird. And ⁓ it's just, it's a lot. Thinking back to your first, I want you to talk about the process because this is your process and I wasn't there but. There's a point where you have to, know, I'm assuming it looks a little bit similar to IUI. Yes. Right. And so go ahead. It's definitely so you start your period and then you're like, OK, so then and they give you like a whole list of all the things that you have to do. And it's ridiculous trying to remember it all. But you start your period and then day three you go in for your baseline scan. Then you start your medicines and things like that. And then you have to go in for a scan every so many days because they need to make sure that your follicle lines are or your follicles are growing. They need to also measure your uterine lining to see what's happening with that. ⁓ But they're not as concerned about the uterine lining, mostly the follicles. at this IVF is multiple parts. There's the retrieval and then there's the transfer. So retrieval, you're going through all of this stuff. You're taking your meds. They're constantly going back in for check-ins, all of that. And then retrieval day, they finally get them to where they want to be. All your follicles. And then retrieval day comes. And retrieval day, you go in and ⁓ you're actually put in a twilight sedative state for this. So you go in and the doctor will like come in and greet you have to... ⁓ They'll come in and greet you and then you're in like this whole like like you're going into surgery almost this whole garb going into surgery. So the doctor will come in and greet you and they'll be like, okay, we're going to, you know, going to do your retrieval. put you to sleep and then they go in and do your retrieval. When you wake up, they tell you how many they got. the retrieval is how many follicles, how many eggs they got. Okay. Now me listening to all my podcasts, I would always hear these women who go into their retrievals. ⁓ We got 62 eggs. 62. So, so was that your expectation? They I expected to get however many. When I woke up and all of that, I was told that I eight. And then just because they got eight doesn't mean... that those eight will become embryos. So I got eight. And during my retrieval, while I'm in there doing all this, my husband had to go into a room and provide a sample for what they were going to fertilize these eggs with. So like not only is like his wife in like a procedure, but also now he has to, you know, go get the, go do the job so that way he can, you know, do something. It couldn't be me, okay? I'd be too stressed out. I'd be like, no, we're not doing this. So after you wake up and everything, some clinics do fresh transfers. My clinic does not do fresh transfers. So a fresh transfer is whenever they take your eggs and then they start the process. So after you get your embryo or after they retrieve your eggs, then they start the whole fertilization process. And there's a couple different ways they do it. Some people have to do it with ICSI. I don't exactly know what ICSI stands for, but ICSI is where they literally take a single sperm and inject it into the egg in hopes that it fertilizes. Some people, they can just like put the sperm in there with the eggs and see what happens. We were people who they just put the sperm in there with the eggs and see what happened. And then you get updates. So every day. So you day one you want this many were fertilized, day two this many have gotten to this stage, day three this many have gotten to this stage. So like you're still very much in it even though you're not actually doing anything. You're like getting these updates. Okay we're at this day and this is what happened. So out of that, out of our eight eggs that we received or that we had, six became viable embryos. ⁓ with those each embryo is then ranked. They're given a letter grade and I believe a number. Some people have their embryos tested. So they send them over to be tested to see if they will be viable embryos. You also find out the gender of the embryo. There's all kinds of things. We opted not to have ours tested. One, because we already felt like we were playing God. ⁓ But I wholeheartedly believed because my mom had said something about that and I wholeheartedly believe even to this day God gave people the knowledge to be able to help do this. If that's God's plan for you to do IVF, to bring your family away or bring your family here, then that is your way. That's your way. But you felt like you were playing God. I already felt like I was playing God a little bit. So I didn't need to know the gender or any of that. And also to have them tested was another fee that I wasn't prepared to pay. So we decided to do untested. Some fertility clinics, though, whenever after the embryos get to a certain stage, I think it's day eight. Once they get there, then you're preparing and you would do a transfer and they would put it into your body. My clinic, after they get to a certain stage, they freeze them. So mine were all frozen. And then they gave my body a break, which it desperately needed. So my body took, I want to say it took a month break. They put me on birth control. And I went on a break for a month just trying to find some type of normalcy. But also there's certain things that you have to do to prepare to do a transfer. So ⁓ after that, then we decide, okay, we're doing a transfer. You start a whole cycle. whenever you do a transfer cycle, there are still shots involved because you need to make sure that your uterus lining is a certain thickness. there's shots every day when you're preparing. and for transfer. Yes, yes, every single day. ⁓ and these ones aren't oil. These are the ones that hurt. my opinion, I hated these ones. They were just so painful that like they're an oil and like my husband's like roll it in his hands to like warm it up so that I would go in easier. It's still hurting. Did you know what these things were, what the medications were? ⁓ At the time, I knew the different medications and they would tell you like, okay, this is for this, this is for this. I feel like at this point, I'm so far, I've removed myself from it that I've kind of blocked it out of my brain as to which ones are which. Okay, No, no problem. No problem. So you're going in for your transfer. Yes. You know, going in for your transfer. And so my first transfer, my husband's there and they don't put you to sleep for it. You're awake the entire time. Did they give you anything? No. OK, no. You're just there. had to drink like so much fluids because you had to have a full bladder and they do it under ultrasound. And ⁓ before like the whole infertility process, ⁓ I had never had like male doctors of the gynecological My main doctor was a female, but she did have male assistants and things like that. So, I mean, it was definitely eye-opening. But I'm okay with it now. But it was definitely eye-opening. But your transfer, at least at my clinic, in my experience, like I would go and I would sit on this table and they would take me in first. And then I would, you would lay there and then like you're just completely bare on the bottom. And then they have like an ultrasound that they are like looking at your bladder and where it needs to go. the doctor would come in, would bring your husband in and ⁓ they would have a monitor. So then the nurse would come in and they're like, okay, this is for, this embryo is Lexi Doubty's and it is for ⁓ X, Y, and Z. It's a whatever the grade is, we're doing this. Like they would tell you all these things about it. was like, okay, cool, let's do this. So then there's a little monitor that you watch that you can see it shoot in and then they give you like a little ultrasound picture afterwards. Does any of this hurt when you're doing your transfer? Transfers never hurt for me. Some women do experience pain at transfers and I remember ⁓ one woman, she actually was put to sleep for her transfers. She was just very anxious and like if that's you, that's fine. ⁓ For me, I was never super anxious about them. But they put it in there. They're like, OK, that was beautiful. It's right here. And then they would send you home with a picture of your embryo and little ultrasound things of it going in. OK, cool. So then I would show my mom, whoop, mom, there's my embryo. Yeah, so I mean, you're excited. I mean, you're excited at this time. Yeah, you're excited. And then you have the two week, two week wait for you're just living your best life for two weeks. And then you go in for blood work and then they call you and tell you, ⁓ you're not pregnant. And then that ultrasound picture gets thrown in the trash. So what? But we can't just go off. OK. Yeah. So you're thinking, thinking to this first. You're thinking it's good. You're high hopes. high expectations and then you go in for your thing and in my experience at least I would go in get my blood work and then I would be called and told sorry it didn't implant. And when you think about this so I feel like we keep Did you do more than one round of IVF? So I did one retrieval. I did multiple transfers. I did also mock transfers that I'll explain later. So this first time when you know after your first transfer and you get because you're thinking I'm getting pregnant you know did you did you think that you would need to more than one transfer? No. OK, you thought so you thought this was the time and then I was going to get pregnant. And you go back to that call when you got that call. Oh, it was devastating. It was devastating. And I'm saying, I'm sorry it didn't implant. You're not pregnant. It was devastating. I'm sure I cried in my car or something because it always happened to like they would always call when I was by myself or at work. It never happened when I was at home with my husband, you know, having in a good old time. It was always when I was alone or at work and then not only like being upset and finding out, but then having to tell other people. So I was always very open about infertility and like we tell my mom every time we did a cycle and then having to go back to her and be like, I'm sorry, it work. like my mom didn't care. My mom is like my mom is my ride or die. But still having to tell her So I think my husband if he got home before me and it happened he would always take it down and put it somewhere. He never threw them away. He would put it somewhere. I don't know where he put it he would put it somewhere out of sight. And he would try to like you know it's okay we're gonna do it again but ⁓ at that first time like I thought we were good. We all thought we were. You know what I if you get a baby. Yeah that's just you think. Yeah ⁓ so then we did a second one and And instead of doing a transfer, we're going to do a biopsy of your uterus. So I was like, okay, so we did everything as if we were doing. You took all those shots. did everything as if we were doing a regular cycle. And instead of a transfer, they went in while I was awake and took a chunk out of my uterus. Wow. It was very painful. I hated it. I did not know why. I was awake for, they shouldn't put me to sleep. So ⁓ we did that and this was a different expense, was not covered by insurance, but we had to do it to figure out what was happening. So then the results came back from that and they were inconclusive. So my doctor said, okay, in order for us to... figure this out, we have to do another biopsy. And my mom, like we didn't have money to pay for another biopsy. What did the biopsy cost? I don't remember the exact price, but we didn't have money for it. My mom said, you know what, I'll take care of it. My mom paid for ⁓ another biopsy. You had to do meds. And I had to act like I was doing a cycle, a transfer cycle, do the medicine and then do another biopsy. Again, still being awake. And then that biopsy came back and they're like, okay, you have to take your shot at this exact time every day and that's what's going to work with your body. Okay, fine, whatever. So I even told my doctor, was like, I've decided that I'm doing this is my last one. And she's like, well, you you need to consult me with these things, that, and the other. You know, we're in the trenches. And I said, no, we're doing one more. Why did you need to consult? I was like, after this, I'm done. So we prepared for our last cycle. This was late 2019, early 2020. Yeah, early 2020. ⁓ was like before everything shut down, like literally right before everything shut down. ⁓ we're preparing for our last cycle and, ⁓ went through it ⁓ the outcome was the same as every other time. ⁓ did not get pregnant. ⁓ Did you have any hope? I always had hope every single time. Even there sometimes, even now that like something will happen and I'll have like a thought or hope that maybe this will happen. over 20 years, she had her son in December of 2020. One of my college friends, had her daughter in December of 2020. have, so I had to go to baby showers. Being in that mindset and going to baby showers is a... very, very interesting thing. want to be there and be happy to my or be happy for my friends. also I am screaming on the inside. Yes. ⁓ So that was very, very hard, especially now to this day. I still don't have children. But even if I'm invited to a baby shower, like I'll send a gift. I do not want to be there. And I have I've moved on in my journey, something will take me back to being in that position every single time. I think we need to start having showers for, hey, you know what? You're in your 30s and you did something. Let's have a party. People bring you gifts like I I've baby showers are one of those things that it is exclusive for people with children. It's a great way to identify what that journey, when you're in the dark of that journey, you're in the trenches and you decide, okay, I'm getting out of the trenches. I'm getting out of it. ⁓ It's too dark here. It's too heavy here. I put my body through so much here. My body needs a break. My emotions, my everything needs a break. I'm getting out. And when you say you're getting out, Did you feel like, um, it was like, I'm getting out and now I need to heal. Oh, absolutely. Did you feel like that? But not only did I need to heal, I needed to heal myself. My husband needed to heal himself. Absolutely. And we needed to heal our marriage. Absolutely. We needed to learn. One, what we went through was very traumatic. Two, we were not always the nicest to each other during that time. And three, both of us probably did things that we shouldn't have done during that time. So we needed to learn. one, what our marriage, what we wanted it to look like, but two, how do we heal not only ourselves, but our marriage? Do we want to stay in this? The marriage. Yes. The marriage. Yes. The marriage. And that was, that was very hard for us. Yeah. I will tell you that there was one point where I, like there were, there was a point where my husband and I were not sleeping in the same bedroom. He was sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was sleeping in our bedroom. There was a point where I told him, said, I mean, obviously I'm working on myself. I'm not perfect, but there was a point where I told him, said, you need to go. was like, you've been holding on to your baggage for too long. You need to go get therapy and figure yourself out or we're getting a divorce. And that was like, I drew a line in the sand. and like I was working on myself. I feel that we both had a rebirth. I am not the same woman today that I am or the woman that I am today is not the same woman who went into infertility and that my husband married. I am not the same woman. He is not the same man that I married. But learning how to navigate that. also, we both had a lot that we needed to figure out. We both did things that we probably shouldn't have. We were not. nice to each other, but learning how to navigate that. And also, I mean, I had seen so many women who went through IVF, went through infertility, and they got a divorce. And for the longest time, we would say like, ⁓ we beat we beat infertility because you know we're still married and it took me telling him no actually our marriage struggled infertility ruined our marriage but we decided that we still wanted to be in this we still wanted to be married and we rebuilt that and that took a long time that took a really long time i mean My marriage is not perfect by any means. But it took a really long time for us to get to a place where we could be best friends again. And that we were okay. Because in the trenches, were you even dating? No, not at all. You were just... It was like a transactional thing. Well, and like you weren't having sex to have sex. You were literally doing it on whatever the time doctor thinks that they told you. Nope, you're not allowed to have sex on for three days or something like that. Like it was all transactional. was, there was no dating. There was no intimacy. ⁓ It was just like, OK, we're doing this. And even if there was, I was not receptive because I was not in the place to want that. Yeah. So you three. So 100 percent, I agree, because it doesn't matter what you do, like specifically on your journey when you're in those trenches. But it's all trauma at the end of the day. is. You are impacted. Your husband is impacted or wives for husbands. Yes. But and your your marriage. Yes. Is impacted. So there's that's that's threefold. Right. And then I like to add, I don't know about you, but for me, my relationship with the Lord was impacted. ⁓ absolutely. So it's like now you've got all these things. Was there anyone that that you said this one like I need to heal myself first before I can work on the marriage or the marriage needs to be priority or was it like a combination of I feel that going walking away from it there was a there was a piece that I did everything that I can. There was a piece. I feel that I had a lot of rebuilding that I needed to do in my own and figure out. not only who I was, but who I wanted to be. I mean, this was 2020. So who am I going to be? What am I doing with my life? know? ⁓ So and that there was a lot of unknown because in this infertility world, you see women who ⁓ they have infertility, they do infertility and they. ⁓ They have a baby.