TWIU Episode 15: He hears, He sees, He knows

REE: What's up, Warriors? I hope and pray that you all have been so well. I am so excited to be back here. It may not seem like it, but I am. I'm always excited. I'm always grateful to be here because this is what the Lord has me right now. Okay. And so either I'm gonna just be fighting and resisting, and I've spent too much of my life doing that, or I can decide. I'm gonna settle in and I'm gonna find a light in it. Alright. So that's where I am. Okay. So it's been a lot going on. Yeah. In in every area. And and I'm sure the same could be said for you too. Alright. I'm in the light, and I hope and pray that you've been making your way to the light. All right. Now, we took a little short ⁓ break, not very long, all right. It was enough time for you to catch up if you needed to. ⁓ rewatch some things, get them ⁓ fresh in your spirit. I had to re-watch some stuff, alright? I wanna focus specifically on my journey to parenthood, right? That is the whole purpose of this. ⁓ And I'll tell just straight up, ⁓ it's been heavy. right. It's been heavy, it's been weighty. ⁓ I probably was a bit depressed for a while. Okay, that's just what happens in this journey. And if you know, you know, all right. But I probably was a little bit ⁓ I consume this content because I help myself, alright? And we have to do that, okay? If you don't help yourself, nobody else can help you. Alright. Anyway, back on point. Today's episode is going to be more so of depressed and ⁓ for for a bit I allow myself to stay up under that cloud okay now Me letting you all into where I've been at ⁓ in my particular and specific journey to parenthood, okay? and where I'm gonna go with the flow, all right. So without delay, let's just get right into it, okay. You know from past episodes I told you this kind of thing happens, all right? But you have to somehow get yourself from up out of the darkness, okay? Or okay, because I'm gonna tell you, I I couldn't do it myself. I couldn't get myself up out of the darkness. I had to let the Lord in, right? Always have to let the Lord in. So, a couple of months back, gave my first ever sermon, okay? ⁓ And ⁓ People give it many different names, but that's what it was, okay? My first ever. And I kid you not. I I think like maybe a few days after that, this heaviness just came in. ⁓ We all know, I mean, okay, we all may not know what that is, all right, but this heaviness came in and it came specifically into this area right here, right? My journey to motherhood, where it's heavy, where it can be dark, where it can be desolate, where it can be debilitating, all right. And that was the intent and the goal of that heaviness, right? To take me out. I ⁓ Call me whatever you want to call me. The intent of the darkness is to keep you down, depressed, in the slump, in the dark, to take you out, to distract you, to keep you away from what it is that you are supposed to be doing in the moment, in the now. Right? So I think back to ⁓ just the last couple of Sundays at church, okay, it's been hard. ⁓ And I go because If I don't go then I'm subjecting myself to to to to the darkness, right? I'm I'm agreeing with the darkness if I don't go to church. So that's just not an option for me anymore and where I am in my life. And so I go to church. It's hard, but I go, right? And the last couple of Sundays, I've been crying so hard. It's been like so it's been like agony, like I don't even have words to describe the agony and the pain. I I just I can't even ha I I don't know what to say to help you understand. All I can say is that if you're a warrior yourself then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's that pain that feels unbearable. It's that pain that's deep down in your core, in your center, and you're you're you're you're just like desperate. for light, you're desperate for hope. You're you're desperate for some kind of sign, some kind of confirmation, affirmation, something from the Lord is is for me. Right that someday I will not be in this position where I am longing in ⁓ Desiring to be a mom and I'm not. Someday, right? W ⁓ the hope is for that confirmation, that reassurance that someday I'm gonna actually be on the other side of this journey, that I'm gonna actually be a mom. ⁓ and if you're like me and it's been years, okay. And you haven't seen anything, right? Nothing. You never ever have had a positive pregnancy test, okay? you've just never anything that would even suggest or communicate to your brain that life ⁓ is gonna go forth this womb of yours, all right. So that's where I was, right? ⁓ desperate for hope and light and affirmation from the Lord that I will someday be on the other side of this. ⁓ and also trying to just get by. Right. Trying to just show up as best I can for every other area that I have to show up for. Right. Because you have to do what you have to do. ⁓ just because I'm depressed, it doesn't mean that I get to quit everything else. not at this point in my life. Maybe back in the day, you know, maybe like ⁓ couple years ago, right? That would have been ⁓ that would have been okay, but for who I am today, I gotta show up. ⁓ who I am today, I wanna show up well. So The heaviness would always always or I shouldn't say I should say this. I allowed myself to experience the depth of that pain only on Sunday. And it wasn't by choice, okay. I it's like one of my struggles, it's been a number of them, right? But in this journey, one of my struggles feeling like I to ⁓ fake it with God. Like feeling like I have to put myself together and be ⁓ ⁓ for what I have and ⁓ know ⁓ love the song and it says ⁓ what you've done for me on Calvary was more than enough and just feeling like I have to just Shut up and be grateful for Calvary, right? when I go before the Lord and not even feeling like I have the Anyt like i I have no right to go to the Lord with anything but gratitude and appreciation for what has been done for me. The greatest thing ever. It is. When we look at all of this, l this life and everything else that is the best thing, the greatest gift ⁓ I could have ever that I could ever receive, right? ⁓ that ⁓ don't have to pay for ⁓ Everywhere that I've fallen short in my life, that Jesus paid the price for me, all right. There is nothing greater than that. I know this, I know this, but I don't want to say but, and if you've been on this journey to parenthood. And you read ⁓ and and you have had to wait for what you may deem or I may deem an unreasonable amount of time, okay? An unreasonable amount of time. And you're also a believer, right? Then you know that there are times when that weight is so great that even Calvary don't even Calvary don't feel like enough. ⁓ my g I can't believe I just said that, but I did. Calvin don't feel like enough, you know? 'Cause it's like I'm right here right now, okay? All right. I I got to live out this life and ⁓ had these dreams and desires for what my will like and ⁓ right now my life it don't look like that. You know, like it just don't look like that and I am such a control freak also, like that is another part of the struggle because there is absolutely nothing ⁓ that I can do about it. God has bless it, right? ⁓ It's gotta be timing for my womb to bear. Not my own. ⁓ And ⁓ That's hard to deal with. And one of the things that one of the things that I have to constantly remind myself is that I don't gotta fake it with God. I don't gotta fake it with Him God can take all of my sadness, my sorrow, my disappointment. hate to say that. I really hate that word. I ⁓ Anybody that knows me very well, they know I hate the word disappointment. It's like it it it it's a little it's triggering, okay? But I I just don't even like that word. And who am I to be disappointed in God? Like who who do I think I am? But anyway, God can take all that stuff, and I don't gotta wrap it in a neat bow ⁓ can feel what I'm feeling. But I can go to the Lord just as I am sad, weary. what's with the scripture ⁓ He Jesus tells us come to Him, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and he'll give us rest. I can go to Him with all this stuff. is what I've forgotten in these last few months, is I go to God with these emotions. And so I think that is why The deepest sorrows are have been expressed in church and while I've been at church and ⁓ I it's been at least one or two services that I had to get up and get out of there because the pain, I mean, I I was gonna be like ⁓ weeping And I and I thought it was just gonna be so loud and distracting. So I I had to get myself up out of there because every time I tell you, every time I allow myself to release and to release in the presence of the Lord and in to release in a place that's surrounded by praise, by worship, by prayers, by the light, I felt better. I did, I felt better. another one of my struggles is I am such a I suffer in silence very well, okay. And it's probably a trauma response, alright. But anyway, I suffer in silence very well. And at this point in time in my journey, there are definitely people that I could call, but I don't call them. I don't call them. I just be like, you know, don't nobody wanna hear that, okay? And that is another lie, okay? Don't nobody wanna hear that. Keep that to yourself. That just comes from my childhood, right? That's what my interactions with the women from my childhood taught me. Is that keep that to you're hurting your sad. Go do that in the bathroom, all right? And then wipe your face, dry your eyes, maybe put some drops in. We don't you we don't really want to talk about what you were crying about. And so that has been another hard thing for me to break. And so You add all of these things together, it's ⁓ a recipe for disaster, all right. But anyway, there are people that I could have called, but I didn't call them. I just said, Don't nobody want to hear stuff, keep it to yourself and go, move, push forward. So this was going on for weeks. I'm I'm telling you, like at least a few months. It's been going on and it's been really heavy and I've been keeping it to myself. But I've been really in agony on the inside. ⁓ and there are a lot of things that Are triggers for me. I mentioned a while ago that I had this specific ⁓ vision and prayer on my vision board for last year, and ⁓ it was very specific, okay? And somebody that I love got that vision and that dream and that prayer that I prayed for myself and Because of the specificity of it, that takes it to a whole nother level of pain that has to be processed. And for me, The biggest question that we all know by now that is asked on this journey, especially when you're a believer, is like, God, why me? Why did you choose me for this particular and specific journey? Okay, like why me? And then it's like, why didn't you answer that for me? Like, why didn't I get that? I asked for that. You know, I asked for that. Why why you didn't do that for me? And The answer doesn't come very quickly, okay. An and sometimes it doesn't come at all, let's be honest. When the answer doesn't come quickly And it didn't. So ⁓ I was in this place of like, Lord, do you even do you even see me okay? Do you even see me? Do you even see the agony that I'm in? And I still prayed. I still did what I could do to so that I could continue to remind the enemy, okay? All right, that I am not. For the darkness, okay. I'm for the light. I'm for Jesus, okay? So I had to keep doing those things to make sure that I let the enemy know that. But it is it wasn't I n nothing was penetrating, okay? My prayers and and I felt bad because ⁓ I have people they call me and and they tell me they're like And it's an honor and a privilege. But they tell me things like if anybody is gonna get a prayer up, I know it's you. And and I feel so bad because I'm off my mark. Like all these things. ⁓ I don't want to cry. But I'm off my mark. You understand? People need you to be, people need you to be on your mark, okay? So then I'm dealing with that. guilt because I'm not on my mark. Like I'm on it but I ain't on it. You know, like I got one foot on it, but everything else is somewhere else. And that is problematic. So anyway, I was doing what I could do to make sure that the enemy knew, but nothing was penetrating. Nothing was helping. It wasn't there was no sermon that I listened to that helped. ⁓ and I'm I I know why now though, right? Because I didn't want to be helped. I wanted to wallow is what I know now. and I was just like what what else do you from me? You know? ⁓ What else could you expect me ⁓ in this circumstances, Lord? I I don't know what else you could want me. But anyway. ⁓ And then all of these and all of these things on repeat. And this was going on and I wasn't talking to anybody about it. And I wasn't even talking to my husband about it, okay? Because again, that lie. Don't know about girl, leave that man alone, okay? That man got other stuff that he's worried about and and thinking about. And he don't need you going to him talking about. Talking to him about something that he already know. Alright, keep that to yourself. That is a lie, okay? That is a lie. Don't keep things to yours don't keep this to yourself. You need an outlet and it needs to be somebody that you love. It would be great if it could be your husband, right? And and it it would be even more excellent for you if it could be a number of different people, right? At least two to three different people that you can go to when you need to talk specifically about this particular darkness in this journey and not keep it to yourself. ⁓ I was journaling as well and none of that stuff was helping. Alright. ⁓ and so again, I don't even know how to describe the the weight of it all, but here's what I'll tell you. This was going on and I was on this cycle of ⁓ why wanting to be in the darkness, okay, but still trying to keep my foot on that mark because people needed me to be on that mark, okay? They needed me to be on that mark. And there was even a time where I just felt like yes the Lord does be the Lord does answer my prayers. You know, the Lord answering At least ⁓ nine percent my prayers, okay. But just this one prayer, you know, for me to ⁓ bear children, That prayer is not getting answered. That prayer is being ignored. Okay, that that's what was going on with that prayer. ⁓ And If you know if you've ever been there, that is a hard place, okay? Especially as a believer. You believe in God and you know what God can do and you believe His word and you have seen what He's done for other people, okay? But Unfortunately, we could still find ourselves in this place where we're like, God is gonna do all of that and can do all of that, but He will not do this for me. Or draw us to a dark place, right? so anyway, like I said, I told you I wasn't talking to anybody about it, and I was just keeping it to myself, and ⁓ I'm still trying to do the best that I can to take care of myself, right? So I go to get my massage because that's one of my self-care things that I do. Go to my massage and ⁓ this was recent now, maybe in the last two weeks. So I'm just now getting to where I am today. ⁓ But I go. And we're going we're in the session right in and I've talked about this person before. I consider her to be a friend, okay? ⁓ a sister in Christ to me. And ⁓ I appreciate her so very much. But ⁓ we you know, we were we were in the session and I'm I'm I'm in and out of sleep, And and then you know she asked me a question and I'm not going into all of the details, right? But she asked me a question, a series of questions, okay? And that resulted in her praying for me, all right. That resulted in her being led by the Holy Spirit to pray for me specifically in ⁓ regard my ⁓ and my desire to be a mom ⁓ and ⁓ every other terminology for that, okay? Specifically for that now. She doesn't know what I've been going through because I told you I wasn't talking to anybody. All right. But she was in the right position, okay? She was in the right position to hear from the Lord. And then she moved. It was awkward. I mean it really wasn't awkward because I I've y I've been there with her we've we've prayed together before multiple times. So it wasn't weird and awkward for me, but for somebody else it probably Would have been weird and awkward, right? her, maybe it was a little bit weird and awkward, but it wasn't for me. So anyway, she pushed through all of those things and said yes, right? She was obedient in the moments all right. And what did that do for me? Mmm. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-mm. Someone who I had been in this again, I've been I was on the cycle. The Lord doesn't see me. Not on this issue. The Lord doesn't hear me. Not on this issue. He hear on other stuff, but He don't hear me on this issue. He don't hear me on my desire to be a mom. He don't He doesn't He's not paying any attention to the agony that I'm going through in this journey. ⁓ but her being on her mark and her being obedient It created a shift for me in the darkness that I was in. And she put words on it, right? I knew about this and ⁓ all those things. Like I knew about what she said that it that it was and what she sensed that it was and it was spiritual warfare, okay? and It's like she she she sensed it on me, right? And so anyway, point was she was on her mark, she was able to ⁓ be led by the spirit, she was able to tap in and see what the spirit was seeing, right? ⁓ and she helped me to be able to shift because that communicated to me the Lord sees me. ⁓ the Lord sees me. Okay. The Lord hears me. Okay. He hears the agony. He knows the agony. The Lord hears me, the Lord sees me, and the Lord knows me. And that is what that communicated to me in a time when I needed it so desperately. And that is what the title of this episode is. God hears, he sees, and he knows what you're going through, warrior. He knows what you're going through. I hope that you have somebody like that that you haven't even said anything to. But they on their mark, okay? Hm. Where you're off your mark. They're on their mark in that moment, in that time. When you need them to be on their mark, they're on their mark so they could hear and see in the spirit to be able to help you shift from the darkness that comes only to kill, steal, and destroy. Okay? That really just helped me. And and it really just allowed some things to fall, right? First of all, it casts out all of the lies, right? All of the lies that come, it'll never be. The Lord don't see me. The Lord don't hear me. The Lord don't care about me in this specific area of my life because if He did, He would have done something by now. And all those o other things that come up that we tell ourselves, ⁓ I was able to be set free. And there's still more work for me to do, right? I've got to continue to allow the light to come in, right? Truthfully, if I would have told her no to one of the questions, and one of her questions was, could she pray for me? If I would have told her no, she could not pray for me, then I would have never gotten the help that I needed. Then I would have never gotten my word from the Lord, right? That He hears me, He sees me, He knows me. So we gotta always be willing, also. You gotta be on your mark for those who need you to be on your mark. And then when you're not on your mark one hundred percent right, you have to be around some kind of way, people who are on their mark so that there could always be ⁓ a line of communication between us and the Lord. All right. Now, I don't really know who needed this, but somebody needed it. ⁓ and again I told you this happened in the last two weeks or something like that. So I remember this past Sunday I was in church and The topic that our pastor is talking about right now is the power of prayer, right? And Part of prayer is letting God know who He is, right? He's the one who parted the red sea right? He's the one who created the earth, right? He's the one who rose Jesus from the dead, right? He's the one who is the Alpha and the Omega. He is the one that is omnipresent. He is the one that is omnipotent, all powerful, all-knowing. He is the one who has sovereignty over everything, all ⁓ ⁓ And so much more that I didn't even say out of my mouth, and things that I don't even know yet, right? But some sometimes in prayer, I found that my prayer is the most powerful and impactful when I tell God who He is. And Sometimes I don't that you sometimes okay, I told you I I continue to pray when I was in this heaviness, in this in this darkness. But sometimes that don't always work. But if you if you're willing, okay, if you're open, then it'll work. But anyway, let me get back on track. Pastor was pastor is speaking about prayer and what came to my mind is we've gotta tell God who He is. And ⁓ one of my pastor's ⁓ Famous, infamous sayings is either you're gonna trust them or you're not. ⁓ came to my head, right? Either either you trust them or you don't. You know what I mean? Either either you trust them or you don't. And because, okay, ⁓ was able to get that communication ⁓ in my massage, right? That He hears me, He sees me, He knows me. That was affirmation. That God is for me. That was affirmation that God is faithful. That was affirmation that I can trust Him. I can trust Him. And ⁓ can trust Him with this particular journey. I can trust Him with my womb. I can trust Him with my heart. ⁓ I can trust Him with my pain. Because God is undefeated. That came to my head. God is undefeated. And Wha what also has been in my brain is ⁓ James three, I believe it is, where it talks about how how ⁓ powerful the tongue is and how deadly the tongue can be. And then so of course I thought about life and death are in the power of the tongue and all of these things communicated to me that I've got to ⁓ and I wanna even say Pastor says something about calling those things that are not as though they are. I I want to say he said something like that, but all of those things communicated to me that I've got to I am a mom, girl. Go sit down. You are my go sit down. And until you're on your deathbed, alright. This is extreme. Until you're on your deathbed, taking your last breath, you don't know God has in store for your journey to parenthood. Therefore, trust Him. Therefore, believe Him for it. Therefore, that you are. Therefore, what are you doing? Or, you know. This is another thing that has that came to me in this time. What are you doing? Are you what are you doing to prepare for motherhood? What are you doing to prepare yourself to be the best parent you can be? To be the best father you can be? What are you doing? Are you the kind of person that you want your children to be right now? All of these things, okay? So that's where I shift my focus to. Being the kind of mom I want my children to have. And That is a mom who does not change Depending on the room. Okay. So if I want my children to have a nurturing mom, then I've got to be a nurturing person in every other room I go in. If I want my children to be a consistent, I ⁓ if I want my children to have a consistent mom, then I've got to be consistent in every other room that I go If I want my children to have a gentle mom, then I've got to learn to be gentle in every other room that I go into, in every other hat that I put on. I've got to be this person. And I cannot say that I'm that person yet. So you know what? I'm gonna focus on that. That's my decision. I'm deciding to focus on be being the kind of mom I want my kids to have. And when you've been in this journey long enough, you get to a point where you start just telling yourself things like, well. And and it's not to say they're not true, I'm not saying that, but you tell yourself things because you've got to figure out how to cope and live with the pain and the agony of this journey. And ⁓ for me, one of those things has been lately I am grateful that I get time. That I get time to Evolve. That I get time to progress into the mom I want my children to have. no, the wait has not been easy, it hasn't been ⁓ light and bubbly, but also ⁓ I am in a place where I am more likely to be able to be the kind of mom that I wanna be and not the mom that I was forced to be or had to be. You know what I mean? ⁓ I get to be a mom who Is healed or or As close to it as possible. I get to be a mom who is not viewing ⁓ life through the lens of trauma and pain the past, right? I get to be the mom who ⁓ whose adult children desire to be in her presence. when her kids read the Mother's Day cards that are on the shelves, they say, This one just is not good enough for my mom. I I have time to be that kind of mom. And so I'm grateful for that. I just was led to record this, okay. So again, I don't know who this is for. I don't know, I don't know who it's for, but God knows, right? And I hope that you are encouraged by what I just poured out, okay. ⁓ and if you were You already know. I wanna know about it. Write me, email me, ⁓ le leave a comment, however you wanna go about it. Let us know how you were helped as a result of today's episode. And hear me. God hears you, God sees you, God knows you. Trust Him. Trust Him with this journey. Okay, Warriors, it has been a delight an honor. hope and I pray that you continue to do the work that you gotta do. Right. I just took you through a mini snippet of the work that I am doing. But I pray that you are also doing the work that you've gotta do so that you can thrive in this time while you wait ⁓ in your life in general. ⁓